You are watching: The office season 5 episode 27 5.44 min quote
1. Season 1, Episode 1: "Pilot".
"I guess the atmosphere that I"ve tried to create here is that I"m a friend first and a boss second, and probably an entertainer third." --Michael Scott
2. Season 1, Episode 2: "Diversity Day".
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"Abraham Lincoln once said that "If you"re a racist, I will attack you with the North" and these are the principles I carry with me in the workplace."—Michael Scott
3. Season 1, Episode 3: "Health Care".
"And uh, well, if this were my career, I"d have to throw myself in front of a train."—Jim Halpert
4. Season 1, Episode 4: "The Alliance".
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"I"m trying to write something funny here, what am I going to do with a removed uterus?" —Michael Scott
5. Season 1, Episode 5: "Basketball".
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"God, this is so sad, this is the smallest amount of power I"ve ever seen go to someone"s head." —Jim Halpert
6. Season 1, Episode 6: "Hot Girl".
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"The purse girl hits everything on my checklist: creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts... not for me, for my children." —Dwight Schrute
7. Season 2, Episode 1: "The Dundies".
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8. Season 2, Episode 2: "Sexual Harassment".
"You wouldn"t arrest the guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another." —Michael Scott
9. Season 2, Episode 3: "Office Olympics".
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"This scented candle...andle...andle, that I found in the men"s bathroom...room...room, represents the eternal burning of competition... or something." —Jim Halpert
10. Season 2, Episode 4: "The Fire".
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"Ryan started the fire, it was always burning since the world was turning!" —Dwight Schrute
11. Season 2, Episode 5: "Halloween".
"I"m guessing Angela is the one in the neighborhood that gives the trick-or-treaters toothbrushes." —Pam Beesly
12. Season 2, Episode 6: "The Fight".
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"I want people to be afraid of how much they love me." —Michael Scott
13. Season 2, Episode 7: "The Client".
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"Chili"s is the new golf course, it"s where business happens." —Michael Scott
14. Season 2, Episode 8: "Performance Review".
"Well, last year my performance started with Michael asking me what my hopes and dreams were, and ended with him telling me he could bench press 190 pounds." —Pam Beesly
15. Season 2, Episode 9: "Email Surveillance".
"I would not miss it for the world, but if something else came up, I would definitely not go." —Michael Scott
16. Season 2, Episode 10: "Christmas Party".
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"Well happy birthday Jesus, sorry your party"s so lame." —Michael Scott
17. Season 2, Episode 11: "Booze Cruise".
"The word "ship" is hidden in side the word "leadership," as its... derivation." —Michael Scott
18. Season 2, Episode 12: "The Injury".
"Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill and it clamped down on my foot." —Michael Scott
19. Season 2, Episode 13: "The Secret".
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"I will have a chicken breast, hold the chicken." —Michael Scott
20. Season 2, Episode 14: "The Carpet".
"I swore to myself if I ever got to walk around the room as manager, people would laugh as they saw me coming, and they"d applaud as I walked away." —Michael Scott
21. Season 2, Episode 15: "Boys and Girls".
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"Why does society force us to use urinals when sitting down is far more comfortable?" —Michael Scott
22. Season 2, Episode 16: "Valentine"s Day".
"You can"t fire me just because Michael isn"t here, Dwight." —Pam Beesly
23. Season 2, Episode 17: "Dwight"s Speech".
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"I can travel anywhere, except Cuba, and I will travel to New Zealand and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor and I will hike Mount Doom." —Dwight Schrute
24. Season 2, Episode 18: "Take Your Daughter to Work Day".
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"Jesus could come through that door, he"s not going to help you, if you don"t stop sniffing after my child!" —Stanley Hudson
25. Season 2, Episode 19: "Michael"s Birthday".
"It is 11:23 exactly, the exact moment, when you emerged from your mother"s vaginal canal." —Dwight Schrute
26. Season 2, Episode 20: "Drug Testing".
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"This year, more people will use cocaine than will read a book to their children." —Michael Scott
27. Season 2, Episode 21: "Conflict Resolution".
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"I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at sixty pounds per square inch." —Dwight Schrute
28. Season 2, Episode 22: "Casino Night".
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"Thanks, I"ve never owned a refrigerator before." —Creed Bratton
29. Season 3, Episode 1: "Gay Witch Hunt".
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"Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online." –Dwight Schrute
30. Season 3, Episode 2: "The Convention".
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"Toby Flenderson is everything that is wrong with the paper industry." –Michael Scott
31. Season 3, Episode 3: "The Coup".
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"I know that patience and loyalty are good and virtuous traits but sometimes I just think you need to grow a pair." –Angela Martin
32. Season 3, Episode 4: "Grief Counseling".
"He"s finished work, he"s on his way home, WHAM, his cappa is detated from his head!" –Michael Scott
33. Season 3, Episode 5: "Initiation".
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"Jan used to treat Michael like he was a ten-year-old, but lately, it"s like he"s five." –Pam Beesly
34. Season 3, Episode 6: "Diwali".
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"Lot of gods with unpronouncable names, twenty minutes later, you find out that it is essentially a Hindu Halloween." –Michael Scott
35. Season 3, Episode 7: "Branch Closing".
"The CFO is taking away my house and giving it to Josh and Josh is giving away the garage to Bob Vance." –Michael Scott
36. Season 3, Episode 8: "The Merger".
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"Dwight might have won the battle, but I will win...the next battle." –Andy Bernard
37. Season 3, Episode 9: "The Convict".
"The worst thing about prison was the dementors." –Michael Scott
38. Season 3, Episode 10: "A Benihana Christmas".
"It"s a bold move to photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father." –Jim Halpert
39. Season 3 , Episode 11: "Back from Vacation".
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"The Jamaicans don"t have a word for "impossible."" –Michael Scott
40. Season 3, Episode 12: "Traveling Salesman".
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"You know what they say, fool me once, strike one, but fool me twice... strike three." –Michael Scott
41. Season 3, Episode 13: "The Return".
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"I am ready to face any challenges that might be foolish enough to face me." –Dwight Schrute
42. Season 3, Episode 14: "Ben Franklin".
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"Mr. Franklin, I would say you are probably one of the sexiest presidents ever." –Michael Scott
43. Season 3, Episode 15: "Phyllis"s Wedding".
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" It"s a big day for Phyllis, but it"s an even bigger day for me, employer of the bride." –Michael Scott
44. Season 3, Episode 16: "Business School".
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"Whenever I"m about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing." –Dwight Schrute
45. Season 3, Episode 17: "Cocktails".
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"Early worm gets the.. worm." –Michael Scott
46. Season 3, Episode 18: "The Negotiation".
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"So I don"t think that this is totally just a women"s suit, at the very least it"s bisexual." –Michael Scott
47. Season 3, Episode 19: "Safety Training".
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"Dwight you ignorant slut!" –Michael Scott
48. Season 3, Episode 20: "Product Recall".
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"Identity theft is not a joke, Jim!" –Dwight Schrute
49. Season 3, Episode 21: "Women"s Appreciation".
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"Sometimes the clothes at GAP Kids are just too flashy so I"m forced to go to the American Girl Store and order clothes for large, colonial dolls." –Angela Martin
50. Season 3, Episode 22: "Beach Games".
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"About forty times a year, Michael gets really sick but has no symptoms." –Pam Beesly
51. Season 3, Episode 23: "The Job".
"Daddy is Meryl Streep." –Michael Scott
52. Season 4, Episode 1: "Fun Run".
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"One day Michael came in, complaining about a speed bump, on the highway... I wonder who he ran over then." —Jim Halpert
53. Season 4, Episode 2: "Dunder Mifflin Infinity"
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"Where are the turtles?" —Michael Scott
54. Season 4, Episode 3: "Launch Party".
"I did so well last February that Corporate gave me two plaques in lieu of a pay raise." —Dwight Schrute
55. Season 4, Episode 4: "Money".
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"I declare bankruptcy!" —Michael Scott
56. Season 4, Episode 5: "Local Ad".
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"I find the mystery genre disgusting, I hate being titillated." —Angela Martin
57. Season 4, Episode 6: "Branch Wars".
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"The eye are the groin of the head." —Dwight Schrute
58. Season 4, Episode 7: "Survivor Man".
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"It"s better to get hurt by someone you know accidentally then by a stranger on purpose." —Dwight Schrute
59. Season 4, Episode 8: "The Deposition".
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"You expect to get screwed by your company, but you never expect to get screwed by your girlfriend." —Michael Scott
60. Season 4, Episode 9: "Dinner Party".
"Good luck paying me back on your zero dollars a month plus benefits salary, babe!" —Michael Scott
61. Season 4, Episode 10: "The Chair Model".
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"Hello Oscar Meyer Wiener -lover." —Michael Scott
62. Season 4, Episode 11: "Night Out".
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" Oh my God, Mom I"ve gotta go one of my friends is getting beat up by some girls!" —Michael Scott
63. Season 4, Episode 12: "Did I Stutter?".
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"It"s just noise coming out of an ugly scientist."—Michael Scott
64. Season 4, Episode 13: "Job Fair".
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"So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I"ve never done before: Try." —Jim Halpert
65. Season 4, Episode 14: "Goodbye Toby".
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"The two levels being, welcome to Scranton and I love you." —Michael Scott
66. Season 5, Episode 1: "Weight Loss: Part 1".
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"One more bite of eclair each, hold it in your mouth if you can"t swallow it." —Dwight Schrute
67. Season 5, Episode 2: "Weight Loss: Part 2".
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"Pam, will you marry me?" —Jim Halpert
68. Season 5, Episode 3: "Business Ethics".
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"When I discovered YouTube, I didn"t work for five days." —Michael Scott
69. Season 5, Episode 4: "Baby Shower".
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"If a baby were president, there would be no taxes, there would be no war." —Michael Scott
70. Season 5, Episode 5: "Crime Aid".
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"So much for sex without consequences." —Michael Scott
71. Season 5, Episode 6: "Employee Transfer".
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"If I had to put Dwight"s chances into a percentage, I would say he has none percent chance." —Andy Bernard
72. Season 5, Episode 7: "Customer Survey".
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"Buttlicker, our prices have never been lower!" —Dwight Schrute
73. Season 5, Episode 8: "Business Trip".
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"A concierge is the Winnipeg equivalent of a geisha." —Michael Scott
74. Season 5, Episode 9: "Frame Toby".
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"Since when is it illegal to put caprese salad anywhere?"—Michael Scott
75. Season 5, Episode 10: "The Surplus".
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"Look, I really need this new chair. I mean, seriously, how is it possible that in five years I"ve had two engagement rings, and only one chair?" —Pam Beesly
76. Season 5, Episode 11: "Moroccan Christmas".
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"What is going to happen when you come into work and you"re dead?" —Michael Scott
77. Season 5, Episode 12: "The Duel".
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"Rule 17: Don"t turn your back on bears, men you have wronged, or the dominant turkey during mating season."—Dwight Schrute
78. Season 5, Episode 13: "Prince Family Paper".
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"A painting, can be beautiful, but I don"t want to bang a painting." —Kevin Malone
79. Season 5, Episode 14: "Stress Relief: Part 1".
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"You are black, Stanley!" —Michael Scott
80. Season 5, Episode 15: "Stress Relief: Part 2".
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"Stanley, you crush your wife during sex and your heart sucks." —Michael Scott
81. Season 5, Episode 16: "Lecture Circuit: Part 1".
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"Fortunately my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man"s." —Dwight Schrute
82. Season 5, Episode 17: "Lecture Circuit: Part 2".
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"Jabba the Hut, Pizza the Hut, fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza-- pepperoni Tony!" —Michael Scott
83. Season 5, Episode 18: "Blood Drive".
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"Feel a little lopsided becasue of all the blood they took out of my right side." —Dwight Schrute
84. Season 5, Episode 19: "Golden Ticket".
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"Put your heart out there like that, it"s liable to just turn into this blackened carbon brick where it has barbecue sauce of shame and rage and two hot people with a perfect relationship would not understand that!" —Andy Bernard
85. Season 5, Episode 20: "New Boss".
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"Truth be told, I think I thrive under a lack of accountability." —Michael Scott
86. Season 5, Episode 21: "Two Weeks".
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"Any really good headhunter will storm your village at sunset with overwhelming force and cut off your head with a ceremonial knife." —Dwight Schrute
87. Season 5, Episode 22: "Dream Team".
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"I mean I"ve always subscribed to the idea that if you really want to impress your boss, you go in there and you do mediocre work, half-heatedly." —Jim Halpert
88. Season 5, Episode 23: "The Michael Scott Paper Company".
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"When I saw you talking to Erin earlier, I noticed that your pupils dilated and your skin flushed and I"m assuming, a little bit of blood rushed into your penis." —Dwight Schrute
89. Season 5, Episode 24: "Heavy Competition".
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"IT"s like a girl says she"ll make out with you but then her boyfriend is waiting around the corner with a pee-filled balloon." —Michael Scott
See more: Which One Of The Following Is Not One Of The Principles Of Managing Accounts Receivable?
90. Season 5, Episode 25: "Broke".
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"Ever since I"ve gotten clean there"s something about fresh morning air that... just really makes me sick." —Ryan Howard
91. Season 5, Episode 26: "Casual Friday".
